Friday, February 28, 2014

Monday, February 24, 2014

OFFICIAL WIFE: Tool might be helpful.

I put in cottage cheese, yogurt, brie, mushrooms(getting old), eggs, parmesan, chicken broth, parsley (plant needs trimming) and emphasized (required within the search) yogurt by licking on it. I mean, clicking on it. It came up with a buncha herbs that I added.

Then, I emphasized cottage cheese instead.

Looks like Tatziki sauce and cottage cheese pancakes. Anyone up for cottage cheese perogies? Never heard of that. --or is it pierogi.... or pirogi? Transliterate your recipes consistently folks! I demand this of the free resources available to me. Let's all take some pride in crowd-sourcing... Then, there's this, which is strangely appealing. Cottage cheese stuffed mushrooms. Cottage cheese stuffed crepes.

Oh, I recently created a dish appropriate for this---

Heat a square black iron skillet on high heat. Pour in Egg Beaters to make a thin layer. Remove from heat and let cook and cool. Transfer (by rolling, as you would a pie crust) the egg sheet to a cutting board and cut into four squares. Start heating up some crushed tomatoes, diced peppers, and salt. Mix cottage cheese, garlic powder, oregano together. Divide the cheese mixture between the four squares, arranging in a line along one edge, and roll up. Place adjacent on a dish, top with the tomato sauce, the add a slice of fat-free American style cheese. {I can't believe I just admitted to that in public. Let's just pretend the faux cheese didn't happen. It was freshly grated parm. You mistook it. It's your fault. If you tell a soul, I'll deny it. I'll go into the cheese protection program, and everyone will call me Esmerelda.

I always wanted a better name. My mom named me Tina so that I would be able to spell my name. Yeah, I don't feel very charitably towards her, having decided I was dumb before I was born. My brother's name is worse: Lee. Three characters long and only two letters. *Shakes head*

You can call me Fahima. Sassy owl sez---

To be fair, my father chose it because it means Christian. This aside is over.} So it's like low-carb low-fat high-protein stuffed manicotti. All jokes aside, it's actually quite good.

Love and cookies,


Sunday, February 23, 2014


Church-folks won't get any steamed pork buns. People are bothering us so I need Alex to stay home.

All I want is my little little minute less than a quarter acre of land to feel safe.

Oh, tomato tree

Oh, tomato tree

Where shall we prune thee

tomato tree? 

This isn't the black krim, but a faithful cherry tomato plant that had gone to vine.


A Sad Sad Lady

Saturday, February 22, 2014

OFFICIAL WIFE: Diets (again-again[again?])

I love creating things. I  was a crafter as a child-- bubbles, crochet, woodworking knickknacks-- but experience has really soured any creation that isn't useful. --and what could be more useful than food? Everyone has to eat. What I create these days, and I thank you for the opportunity, is food.

One of my many hats is event planning, and I'm at the point in a convention where I need to address special accommodation requests, which are almost exclusively diet. We've got vegans and vegetarians (rookie material!), some easily avoided allergies like mangoes and nuts, a mild pepper allergy--hard for the chef but easy for me-- and a Kosher and a Glatt Kosher (the latter being a first for me). The Kosher had her birthday during the last event and wrote me a thankyou note for providing the meals she wanted which was really nice. There's this awesome tool. Maybe you won't eat what everyone else does, but I can get you fed!

Today's readers will know, but I'll explain to the time travelers that for us this Sunday is Meat-tastic Sunday. We're leaning into the big pre-Easter fast, and practically (though this doesn't necessarily mean in practice) since this is the last week we can eat meat for a while, we should clean the house out of meat. But there are things called freezers. Then, there are also things called people. Oh, people. For some, this Sunday is Meatpocalypse. The calendar calls it "Meatfare Sunday, SUNDAY OF THE LAST JUDGMENT."

The next half Ortho couple is getting a lifetime subscription for their wedding present. Really. You can have no idea until you're on the other side.

The following Sunday is the same for dairy, but it's less of a big deal and more of a shoulder to the wheel, let's get into the fast day. The calendar calls it "Cheesefare Sunday, Forgiveness Sunday," in which a lot of kneeling and kissing happens. My dad used to do the same thing with some purple bath cloths you walked up to the front to get. Then you gave it to someone and asked forgiveness. Then, they were pressured to give it to someone and ask for forgiveness. Then, finally, some unlucky person, due to a population shortage, had to bring it up front again.... me. I just kept it. I am one of the most stubborn people, which serves me well sometimes. I think I'll keep that, too.

You can't make me get up in front of a bunch of people.

You can't make me talk to someone.

No, thank you. I'll have my emotional transactions on a one on one basis. I've walked down the aisle exactly twice in my life, and both times were traumatic. Me and God and Alex have plans to stick together, thank you very much.

Once, I slipped it to Ms. Vera and just hugged her. Old ladies are magical creatures who can fix almost anything. If they can't fix it, they'll at least make it less of a tragedy.

Oh, and I'm still trying to eat low carb.... less and less successfully, to be honest. Over on Pinterest, I've created a Low Carb Vegan board, and I'm reviewing my Vegan*Mostly board. I've noticed that the fast tends to have an opposite than intended effect. No, I'm not a rube. I know the answer is prayer, prayer, more prayer, and constant prayer to always seek communion with God. Gah. Accept that I am human; I have. In short, I'm a sinner. I am wrong. I am human. --I will be honest, though.

But speaking of, I occasionally through the grace of God do something food... I mean good. See? :)

This is me doing research on steamed pork buns. We bought a pork loin on the cheap, and this will free up most of that freezer space. There's a parade today so we went grocery shopping last night (NEVER. AGAIN. Why would anyone with sense leave the house after dark????) so I'll spend most of today (hopefully to our mutual enjoyment) writing this and working on the buns. After dark I'll sit down and continue rereading The Stand. I'll do laundry tomorrow and work on meal-planning for the next week. I might clean the floors...

Nope, I cleaned 'em for the house blessin'!

I might take a bath.

Nope, I took one for the house blessin'. It's all good until next year.

It occurs to me that I have no idea what we're having for dinner tonight. Tomorrow we are having two Omaha Steaks hamburger patties that I got for Christmas (See? I'm being a good little cook. I'm doing my job.), but today... I  might make mashed potatoes. Oh, that sounds good. A big pile of mashed potatoes and green beans and purple hull peas covered in ketchup with a side of cornbread slathered with mayo.

See how well I'm doing low carb?!

Oh, in case you think what I send to church is ridiculous, this is what I want to send:
Level 57 Grocery Shopper? Yes. Tutified Ickle Wickle Maker? Yes. The above? Nope, not a chance! With any luck, it'll look like the three in the upper right.

Ermagosh! It's so tutatacious!!

Boooooooo!!! I can't take it! I need a cat, stat!

Kitty is warming the lettuce seeds. Oh, our black krim plant finally has a tomato!
I think the secret is pruning. Who ever heard of pruning tomatoes? I've been growing tomatoes my whole life, since I was a wee lass, and never did anyone prune a tomato. But it works... so. Now you know.

I've had another gardening breakthrough:

No, really-- GUESS?!?!?!?


IT'S LEMON! Isn't that the cow's tail? The train's horn? The guy's beard? The totes meh goats? The bee's knees? The cat's pajamas? The weasel's whiskers?

America's Test Kitchen is airing Julia's homemade tater tots right now. Oh, and I recently read Consider the Fork which I found very interesting, if anyone wants to borrow it.O.o Cooking with Nick Stellino is coming on! This nice lady is teaching me, but I wish I'd had the foresight to get some pretty muffin tin liners... I might stick some toothpicks in them. Pretty toothpicks can fix any dish.

So the lemon plant.... It's not an original idea. I saw it on a blog in a similar container. She planted her seeds in concentric rings (so did I, but mine got swished around) and put some little pebbles on top. The plant was touted as an air purifier which also gave off a pleasant lemony scent. I can't attest to the former, but as for the latter, I'm not smelling it.

But the cool thing is that I learned something. They didn't sprout for quite a while, and I'd written it off as a dud project. Then, I noticed that the ones near the window had sprouted, and hadn't we just had a mighty cold spell, so why don't I turn this thing around. Whatdya know, they're like tulips! So if you do this, run your seeds through the freezer.

Rambling Rug-Hug Taxer,


PS: No really. If you're a cat, and you sit on my newly acquired rug, you will pay the cuddle tax. Rugs aren't free. They're $15, and they're the cat's meow.

Monday, February 17, 2014


How embarrassing! I'm embarrassed now just thinking about it.

Oh, we handled the rug issue (conveniently after dude came over, but it's done). This is like three Christmases big for me. It was $15. Kitty had to be told not to claw it. Banshee christened it with some vomit.

I know when I have kids, my hermitessness will be challenged further. I'm slowly preparing.

Love and Spinach Sunshine (that needs more salt, garlic, and onion),

Alex's Wife & Level 57 Grocery Shopper

PS: I opened a bag of wheat bread to make Alex some croutons, and it smelled exactly like a honey bun. Just so you know, this is what happens.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

OFFICIAL WIFE: My Mind on House Blessing

[I survived House Blessing 2014. Oz whined a lot, but otherwise the animals are fine, too. Until next year! Enjoy these thoughts from yesterday!]

It's T-24hrs until house blessin' time, and I'm running around like mad, laughing hysterically and shouting. These are the things I'm shouting:

"I can totally refinish these floors by tomorrow!"

"We need a rug. Stat!"

"Where are the scissors?" (Said, while holding the scissors)


"Dog hair-- thou art the enemy, and thou shalt be VANQUISHED!"

"I knew as  soon as I said, 'Well, there's not much to be done for the home office,' that it was a cop-out. So I took all of the junk in the home office and put it in the junk room, thereby halving the junk rooms of our house." (Alex then kisses me, and comments on my awesomeness. MATH. It works on houses and husbands.)

"I wubs meh kitties!"


--and there Kitty sits... judging my carbohydrate-induced happiness. I'm tellin' you kids not one bite. Yes, you can get hooked in one bite. Don't even try it!-- You'll be looking at a lifetime of bloat!!

"I am rationing Windex! Will the appropriate parties please present their punch cards and a photo ID?"

"Clean? You call this clean???? Yo momma is clean!" (Yo momma jokes. Another way to a man's heart. Girls, take note.)

0i0adl f[];]gfh\g2+98+
566a35sdfdsai3gfahjksajkfd0= (This is me cleaning the keyboard.)


 "Hiiiiiiiiiyah! Dirt. Will be. DEFEATED!"

There are several things that only happen in my life because of the house blessing. One, is I clean the windows in the French doors. Another is that I oil all the wood furniture and change the felt anti-scuff pads on the bottom. Another is I finish my ironing pile. Another is I get entirely through my mending pile. Another is I clean the air conditioner intake grate. Another is I wash the light globes.

So picture me, a week ago, sitting on the couch mending a pair of pants. As Alex comes through the den from the kitchen and into our bedroom, I, the victim, cheerily announce, "Look! It's the last of my mending pile!" Alex then emerges from the bedroom and throws two more items on the table in front of me saying, "Hey, if you're only going to do it once a year, I need to milk it for all it's worth!"


"Dust, you've got to land sometime, and when you do:

"Where did I put the felt anti-scuff pads?" (Said, while holding the felt anti-scuff pads)

"Where are the scissors?" (Said, while not holding the scissors)

This has been my theme song lately:

 No, I'm not a man nor do I wish to be one, but when you think about it neither was Mulan!

"Clear! No Go Zone!!"

Another thing that only happens before the house blessing is I... I'm saying this in confidence. Don't tell anyone; k? Well... Well, I dust the toilet scrubber holders. Is that weird? I think I have a disease. Stay away. It may be catching. I may have caught it from the toilet bowl scrubber holder.

When you have it, you can't eat carbs. Don't breathe my air. I want to save you. I want, for you, to be able to eat mashed potatoes. I like living vicariously. EAT. THE. CARBS.

"Pasta. Brittany. You have a mission."

"Don't put anything in there!" (of the trash can)

"You can't use that!" (of the toilet)

"Clear! No Go Zone!!"

"Omigosh! I have Windex refill liquid!"

"You have each been assigned a dust rag. You shall put it in your pocket and use it to attack all dust subsequently encountered."

"Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!"

Now we're all crashing on the couch. The dogs did so much work; of course.


Grateful Chick

PS: I made three herb butters-- home grown parsley (mince, mix with butter and a pinch of salt), cinnamon (mix butter and cinnamon), and honey orange (mix orange zest, honey, and butter). The last was by far the most well-received. I'm making a quarter cup for Alex right now. The cinnamon.. not so much. Parsley, not much above the cinnamon. I've made chive butter before, though, that was really good so the next competition will be honey orange vs chive.

Friday, February 7, 2014

OFFICIAL WIFE: Pre-House Blessing

Author's Note: You should read this entry in the voice of a squirrel.

I shall write to you, my friend, of the house blessing.

However it shall be after the fact.... because that would be awkward. I don't want to have to sit in a room with a guy that knows all the crazy stuff I'm doing to prepare for him to come over. Yeah. Majorly awkward...

Oh, I'm eating carbs for this! I had a fat free cheese whole wheat grilled sandwich for breakfast. Why do people even do illegal drugs? Just eat bread!

I could clean ten of my houses right now! Everyone should go on a low carb diet just so you can cheat on it.

So these things happen:

I'm laughing so hard. I just searched for "sticker chari scuff!" Anyway these things protect the floor, but they LOVE dog hair. Buuuut I said I was going to talk about the embarrassing stuff after the fact so check back later.

In other news, this year we will be serving biscuits with a take home of frozen biscuits. I haven't decided what I'm wearing yet, but I know it will be clean.


Love and cookies,

A Carb-Lovin' Woman